Remy Porter

Remy is a veteran developer who now operates his own consultancy. As the President of JetpackShark, he leads technology workshops across the North East, training developers to adopt new technologies and find their own best practices.

He's often on stage, doing improv comedy, but insists that he isn't doing comedy- it's deadly serious. You're laughing at him, not with him. That, by the way, is usually true- you're laughing at him, not with him.

The Nuclear Option

by in CodeSOD on

About a decade ago, Gerald worked at a European nuclear plant. There was a “minor” issue where a controller connected to a high-voltage power supply would start missing out on status messages. “Minor”, because it didn’t really pose a risk to life and limb- but still, any malfunction with a controller attached to a high-voltage power supply in a nuclear power plant needs to be addressed.

So Gerald went off and got the code. It was on a file share, in a file called final.zip. Or, wait, was it in the file called real-final.zip? Or installed.zip? Or, finalnew.zip?


This or That

by in CodeSOD on

Processing financial transactions is not the kind of software you want to make mistakes in. If something is supposed to happen, it is definitely supposed to happen. Not partially happen. Not maybe happen.

Thus, a company like Charles R’s uses a vendor-supplied accounting package. That vendor has a professional services team, so when the behavior needs to be customized, Charles’s company outsources that development to the vendor.


Finding the Lowest Value

by in Feature Articles on

Max’s team moved into a new office, which brought with it the low-walled, “bee-hive” style cubicle partitions. Their project manager cheerfully explained that the new space “would optimize collaboration”, which in practice meant that every random conversation between any two developers turned into a work-stopping distraction for everyone else.

That, of course, wasn’t the only change their project manager instituted. The company had been around for a bit, and their original application architecture was a Java-based web application. At some point, someone added a little JavaScript to the front end. Then a bit more. This eventually segregated the team into two clear roles: back-end Java developers, and front-end JavaScript developers.

An open pit copper mine

A Pre-Packaged Date

by in CodeSOD on

Microsoft’s SQL Server Integration Services is an ETL tool that attempts to mix visual programming (for designing data flows) with the reality that at some point, you’re just going to need to write some code. Your typical SSIS package starts as a straightforward process that quickly turns into a sprawling mix of spaghetti-fied .NET code, T-SQL stored procedures, and developer tears.

TJ L. inherited an SSIS package. This particular package contained a step where a C# sub-module needed to pass a date (but not a date-time) to the database. Now, this could be done easily by using C#’s date-handling objects, or even in the database by simply using the DATE type, instead of the DATETIME type.


Impersonated Programming

by in CodeSOD on

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, I got contracted to show a government office how to build and deliver applications… in Microsoft Access. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. As horrifying and awful as it is, Access is actually built with some mechanisms to actually support that- you can break the UI and behavior off into one file, while keeping the data in another, and you can actually construct linked tables that connect to a real database, if you don’t mind gluing a UI made out of evil and sin to your “real” database.

Which brings us to poor Alex Rao. Alex has an application built in Access. This application uses linked tables, which he wants to convert to local tables. The VBA API exposed by Access doesn’t give him any way to do this, so he came up with this solution…


Changing Requirements

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Requirements change all the time. A lot of the ideology and holy wars that happen in the Git processes camps arise from different ideas about how source control should be used to represent these changes. Which commit changed which line of code, and to what end? But what if your source control history is messy, unclear, or… you’re just not using source control?

For example, let’s say you’re our Anonymous submitter, and find the following block of code. Once upon a time, this block of code enforced some mildly complicated rules about what dates were valid to pick for a dashboard display.


Questioning Existence

by in CodeSOD on

Michael got a customer call, from a PHP system his company had put together four years ago. He pulled up the code, which thankfully was actually up to date in source control, and tried to get a grasp of what the system does.

There, he discovered a… unique way to define functions in PHP:


Swap the Workaround

by in CodeSOD on

Blane D is responsible for loading data into a Vertica 8.1 database for analysis. Vertica is a distributed, column-oriented store, for data-warehousing applications, and its driver has certain quirks.

For example, a common task that you might need to perform is swapping storage partitions around between tables to facilitate bulk data-loading. Thus, there is a SWAP_PARTITIONS_BETWEEN_TABLES() stored procedure. Unfortunately, if you call this function from within a prepared statement, one of two things will happen: the individual node handling the request will crash, or the entire cluster will crash.


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